overwhelmed and underwhelming

Anyone else dealing with activity overload? In the month of May, which has gone by so quickly for me, my brain has refused to concentrate on, well, pretty much anything that isn’t super high priority. I haven’t worked on any stories. I haven’t worked on any videos. I’ve done the bare minimum of housework. Granted, my bare minimum now includes washing the dishes every day or two before they become something my mind recognizes as a chore, so at least my kitchen is acceptable. I retreated into the comfort of gaming where a quest list will tell me what I’m supposed to be doing and I don’t have to think past “Get aggro. Keep aggro. For the love of god, where is my threat??” It has been wonderfully liberating, but I also feel like I’m not getting anything done. Because I’m not. But I’m not sure my brain is ready to jump back on the productivity bandwagon.

Does this happen to you, too? Working on activities, deciding between activities, juggling activities switches from feeling accomplished to feeling smothered. Or like I’m drowning. So I just get out of that pool for a while. I think my mind is figuratively sunning itself on a lounge chair right now. Other minds are splashing around, getting some exercise, winning points in the pool games, and my mind thinks “eh, not just yet,” and puts its shades back on.

I created and submitted several designs for t-shirts. My favorite and the reason I started down the t-shirt design rabbit hole was rejected for having copyright violations. I’ve checked several of the terms and any trademarks that exist aren’t associated with what I’m referring to with these words. Like “multipass.” It’s trademarked in the use of digital signatures and surgical needles. Nothing to do with Science Fiction entertainment. I got pretty dejected over the whole thing. Hopefully I could go through all of the words in my design, find one or two that legitimately have Science Fiction movie- or book-related trademarks, replace them with a different term, and get the design approved. But I’m too deep in the wallowing right now. And the worry that it won’t make a difference because people recognize them as being associated with copyrighted works even if the terms themselves aren’t trademarked. I mean, what the fuck. Just walk away. Getting too annoyed. Just walk away.

I know a big part of my overload-withdraw-recover-activity-overload cycle is social media. The only social media I’m doing right now is posting pictures of my dog on his Instagram account. And only when I feel like it. I also get burnt out on social and political issues. Hearing about them. Reading about them. Being annoyed by them. Caring. I’m so tired of caring. I am exhausted from being emotionally invested in things. My introvert battery is dead. My caring meter is low. I have no more cares to give.

Caring Meter
the Caring Meter is broken

Part of me, the part that thinks the longer my list of accomplishments, the more I’m worth, is annoyed at the stagnation. But that part is pretty stifled right now. And it can suck it until I feel better. Mostly I’m just cutting myself some slack while also trying to remind myself that I should still pay my bills when I’m feeling down. I’ve made some progress on dealing with my crushed storage building. And I did write two poems as a way to deal with several weather-related migraines. My brain communicates better in short phrases while it’s experiencing a migraine. Anyone else write poetry when having a migraine? It feels like an unusual but somehow understandable coping mechanism.

Well, internet, I hope your May has been better than mine. If not, don’t beat yourself up over it. Do your best not to beat anyone else up over it, too. I know it’s hard, but go for the care bear stare instead. A deadpan stare that gets across just how done with it you are.

Maybe it’s time for some #AnotherGreatDay affirmation posts on Instagram. I’m obviously feeling a bit depressed. What do you say, June? Think you can help me out? Think I can get a good night’s sleep again?

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